Spring -umm, Love, really- is in the Air

One of my local friends pointed out an observation several years ago that people on the island get “spring fever” much like “island fever”. This spring fever is very much a real event and can be described as a phenomenon that occurs during the spring months, typically March. It is as though island residents drank a love potion mix and are walking around with glazed over eyes that sort of reminds me of the scene in a Indiana Jones movie where a female student wrote “I Love You” on her eye lashes. This is the look that I am referring to, frequently referred to as bedroom eyes! When out and about, if you look closely, you will see many couples that appear to be on their first dates…whether at the movies, dinner, or hiking. I am not sure why this time of year brings an extra desire to become one half of a couple, but it is there nonetheless, in full bloom! For better or worse, my house and my friends’ lives are currently caught up in this year’s spring fever. We have flowers, plants, and a mess of emotions as result. I usually am excited about these romantic adventures and the prospect of having found someone I like to spend time with; however, this year, its seems much more tiring than last and an unwelcomed layer to an already complicated situation. For now, I am content in watching my friends participate in the festivities as I think I will sit this round out. I hope the spring fever is just a prelude for me and that the next season will bring me some summer loving.

Cheers to a Day of Conformity….Wear Green!

I love St. Patty’s Day and the last 2 years have been great going to the Honolulu downtown block party, which has always led to nights of debauchery. Since my memory is poor, when I clearly remember events such as these, I often reflect. In 2007, this day I was working as an agriculture assistant doing an outreach day at the capital that now I work adjacent too. I remember the once again the rain, the beer cause I discovered black and tans this night, and my late night kisses from an Aussie guy who later I discovered was not as cute as I originally thought. Glad to have the picture though - what can I say I blame the accent! This time last year though was such a mess, a lost, really, with me looking for a job, having illicit romances, and realizing that I could have been working with the DOE in Seattle. So here I am now, a year older (none the wiser?) looking forward to pau hana and the block party. I know that this year will be way more subdued with no wild stunts, such as drinking green beer from lab glassware, almost kissing a fellow classmate that I did not even like, talking to strangers about getting a promoter gig….where is that number again (lol), and actually getting kisses from a traveler. Wow, I sort of feel old….but maybe, just maybe, something wonderfully ordinary like the last two years will happen and completely surprise me. That would be nice.

Singleton

Even before I moved to HI, I had more than my fair share of love disasters and while I wrote this late last week, thought I would post it regardless. I have discovered more information about my most recent crush, which thankfully to my mind’s delight, I have “gotten over” and ended a two date disaster. It did not go so well but I am proud that I at least called to tell me I didn’t think we were going to be romantic. He hung up on me, then called me back and sent me 3 texts that night. Wow! Glad I went with my gut and “cleaned my slate”…I could definitely use the good dating karma…. anyways, with this I must say that although I love HI dearly, this island is full of crazy’s (including me some would say). Since Mr. Right is MIA, I would be happy with Mr. Maybe! Any takers out there? Hey, I don’t think this is settling. Are you willing to give it a go, I sure am. A real shot, too! I am fed up with the opposite sex but don’t want to turn into one of those people who gives up either. Am I really destined to be alone? Is it me? Is it them? Does this even matter? Am I to wake up every morning and stretch out over the entire bed left to cuddle a pillow instead of warm flesh? I am feeling the result of a schoolgirl crush rush that leads to desperation and temporarily mental madness…. encased in cloudiness and the realization that maybe I wont find someone. Contrary to what my friends would say, I do not settle and I will not settle with someone. Then I wonder is this temporary? What if five, ten years down the road, I comprise, I give in, or just no longer care? Will it be to late then? If I comprise then why not now so that I can have the things I think I might want…like a possibility of a family. Luckily I still have a good 3 or 4 years, I think to sort this out but these thoughts still weigh on me. For now, I think I am done with guys (throwing hands up in the air). It’s too much energy! I have other things that I need to concentrate on…like working out so I can fit into half of my wardrobe, finding a new job, and completing my online teaching class. Yeah!

Abnormal….shit!

So today is the day that I got back my first “abnormal” pap smear. I am sure it was bound to happen at some time, but I just assumed that it would be when I was much older and had already popped out a few kids. Going to the gynecologist is never that fun (its not that bad either) but it is always sort of awkward - with your feet up in the air in a freezing room that is never quite sound proof enough worrying about if your pink parts are “normal”. The metal lamp, cold gooey gel, the cramping and pressure on the inside…yeah, I would say it’s a bit awkward :)


Anyways, it is fitting that this is also the day I got back my STD results, which were all negative. *Sigh* Getting a pap is such a routine now that I don’t think anything of it, however getting tested is a bit nerve racking cause although you think you have been safe, all it takes is just one time. We have all been there, debating whether or not you want to know, and what you would do if the results came back positive. How would you cope? Feeling some religious regret, maybe for being so physical? So in retrospect, today could have been a lot worse, but now I have to go to another gynecologist to get another pap (which I hope is covered by my insurance) to see if I have/confirm abnormalities, HPV, and the possible threat of cancer in the future. Now I am asking these questions again to myself. During my lunch time run, I was a bit reflective of the steps that got me here. I mean, I got the HPV vaccination over a year ago. Did I have these abnormalities since before then and how come previous tests never indicated these? What does this mean? I don’t really know except that I have to go and get another pap with another stranger…just great! That would make 3 doctors exploring my insides this month…

First Post EVER & Justification

So I have decided to start this blog as a distraction, as a “therapy” tool, and as motivation to one-day start on my book idea that I would like to “write” one day. I even have a concept and everything. I think about little excerpts all the time for this imaginary book. I write paragraphs, intros, descriptions to the readers while I ride the bus, at work, when I run, etc. but whenever I actually try to write, it comes out horribly trite or worse, boring. Mostly I don’t even try to set time aside to write because I am conflicted about so many things and my statements, views, opinions (if I actually have any on the subject) are so transient and I think would anyone want to read this or understand it. I am even conflicted that if I am writing instead of actively being in the world that I am wasting time. Argh…its exhausting. Ultimately, I really don’t care. I just want to write down these thoughts (to sometimes just get them out of my head) but it can be a deterrent when you already have such doubting thoughts. It is not productive to the creative process. You know what is…. hours of listening to Pandora. Yeah, music! I personally like listening to girly music, which at this time I don’t care to define. Anyway, got off of subject, why I am really starting this now is well the first and second reasons in my first sentence. This week has been a tough week: many realizations about myself, my nature (nice way of saying faults), my loneliness, and even my own frailty to outside influences. I wrote a small blog about the last one (yesterday) but not sure if I feel totally comfortable sharing it yet. I am not sure who I want to tell about this page yet as my intentions for it are not entirely known. I think I am depressed. Pretty sure I have depressing moments throughout the day and is re-confirmed by the fact that I even want to start this blog because when I was younger I would always write when I was sad. All my writings were depressing but I wasn’t in fact depressed than….just good therapy. One method to cope. blah, blah, blah. Think I am done now.